Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
