Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
