i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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