my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
