So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
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maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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