One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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