She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
