Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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