My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
