her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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