you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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