Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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