There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
