Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
