I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We need to get me chipped asap
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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