Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
