he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
MIDGETS
????
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
