2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
