FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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Let's paint friendship bongs
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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