I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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