i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
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His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂