I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?