Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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