I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
