fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
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shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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