make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
