So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
