Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
