You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
