My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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