I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
