She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
