i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
