i need an iv and a liver transplant
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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