I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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