I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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