My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
