I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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