I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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