I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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