Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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