i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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