you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
