there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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