i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
