Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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