The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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