Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
