just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
