she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
