I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
