Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
