he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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