dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
