I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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