woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
