Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
