Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
PANTIES FOUND
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
