Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
