anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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