If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
