GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
